I still can't quite wrap my head around this. My brain is still rebelling with reality. My heart still says "No! this isn't right!" And if I am being totally honest here, I still wake up at night and have a good cry. If time is supposed to heal, this is going to be a long recovery.
The worst part is knowing I can't fix it for me or anyone else and I like to fix things. I wish I knew how to fix the sorrow. I wish I could give my husband his best buddy back. My heart just breaks daily for my mother in law.
I so desperately want to make it better but I can't. I want my boys and nephew to have their Grandfather. He was such an awesome Grandfather. Like "to infinity and beyond" awesome.
I want to give my sister in law her Daddy back. Every girl needs her Daddy. I want to smush my Aunt Becky in my arms and make it right. But you just can't make this right. He was such a great brother, uncle, friend..........
And I just selfishly want my father in law back because I really truly loved him so very much.
He never missed a beat in our daily lives. He was the most involved, loving, thoughtful and truly awesome father in law ever and I am so thankful for the near twenty years that God blessed my life with Wade McNabb.
But like the song goes, the world didn't stop for our broken hearts and here it is a year later when it stills feels and hurts like yesterday. One of my most favorite things to do is to blare the radio in the car and sing at the top of my lungs. How in the world I got to work safely this past year with tears in my eyeballs while singing "You went away, how dare you, I miss you. They say I'll be ok, but I'm not going to....ever get over you."
or "One more day, one more night, one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again, I know what it would do, it'd leave me wishin still for one more day with you."
I had a dream the other night with Wade in it. If it was really Wade paying a visit, it kind of tickles me. All he showed me was that he was drinking orange soda. REAL orange soda meaning he no longer has "the diabeetus". And he was hanging out with his buddies from Vietnam. Helping them . Because that's what he did. He helped. If there was a need. He was there to help.
So today I focus on the positive and I am singing this song.
I created this random art on canvas board last night.
And in honor of Wade, I just might give it away.
When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be. When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!
~Amber D. McNabb